Which Christmas movie are you?

First of all I sincerely believe in one infallible Christmas movie rule: Everyone in this world is either a Christmas Carol-er or an It’s a Wonderful Life-er. There is no in between. It’s like Robin Williams says about smokers in the movie Dead Again… “You either are a smoker or you’re not. The key is to figure out which one you are, and be that.”

Me, I’m a Christmas Carol-er. In fact I hate It’s a Wonderful Life and if I never see it again I won’t be too sad about it. But my point is that the following lists of Christmas movies are most likely not going to agree with everyone. I’m willing to bet many of you may even be annoyed by a few of my choices or lack of them. But I don’t care! Merry Christmas!

Oh and The Grinch, Charlie Brown and all things Rudolf and Frosty don’t count. They are not movies they are shorts and they are all awesome. (Despite the fact that all Santa’s reindeer are boys and we all know that’s not true. Debating on whether or not I should allow my niece to even watch this old fashioned bit of sexism. But I do love the island of misfit toys song so maybe I will relent.)

Best versions of A Christmas Carol:

In no particular order…

The George C. Scott one.

Of all the plain old non-gimmicky versions this one is my favorite. George is the perfect pissy old man. Marley is terrifying, it features the first female Christmas Past I had ever seen (and the one I based my own version on) and the guy who starred in this old TV show called the Equalizer. Edward Woodward. He has several of the best Christmas Present moments ever. My personal favorite is when they are outside Cratchit’s house and Scrooge notices what a dreadful hovel Bob lives in. Present leans over, his head entering the shot that has previously only been filled by Scrooge and says, “It’s all Bob Cratchit can afford!” It’s the delivery not the line. Check it out and see if you don’t laugh.

The Muppet Christmas Carol:

Seriously this one is kinda my all time favorite now. The songs are beautiful and it’s by far the best cast! Though it was jarring to hear Kermit (the first film to feature Steve Whitmire instead of Jim Henson) I am more than used to his intonations now and I think he does an admirable job. And Michael Caine doesn’t just hold his own in this one, he IS Scrooge. He behaves as though he is acting opposite his Shakespearean buddies, as if he were not playing the main character alongside a frog, a rat, a pig and a bear. It makes no difference to him. And this version also features another of my favorite Xmas Pasts; a floating little girl. Dickens himself never really clarifies if the first spirit is a boy or a girl. He refers to Past as “it”. He also mentions how the ghost seems to fluctuate between young and old never really seeming to settle on any age at all. I thought it was a stroke of genius on the Henson Company’s part to go in this direction and the result is gorgeous. And of course this movie is SUPER quotable. There is not a Xmas that goes by where I don’t say, “Light the lamp not the rat light the lamp not the rat!”

Disney’s A Christmas Carol:

Ok I know this one isn’t great and it is really really over-blown and full of itself. But it’s got some guts. First of all it is by far the scariest damned version of A Christmas Carol I’ve ever seen. And A Christmas Carol should be a little scary shouldn’t it? But this one has the scariest Christmas Present into Christmas Future transition ever. The Muppet Christmas Carol was the first version I had ever seen where Present actually ages. I had no idea that was the case until I read the book a few years later. Present only lives for one day! Christmas Day! This revelation made the line about Present having more than 1800 brothers much more understandable to me. Duh. Anyway, Muppets: first. But the Jim Carey version takes it one step further and actually KILLS Present! As the clock begins its midnight countdown Present not only ages rapidly, but starts to choke and eventually collapses turning into a skeleton before he finally expires. It’s awful! It’s terrifying! It’s also downright brilliant. I loved it. This version also has a line in the beginning of Present’s scene that I had never heard before in ANY version of A Christmas Carol. It made me run home and check the book for clarification. Its there, and it’s also the moment that I realized old Charles was a little more than just an author. He was an activist and very political. See if you know what line I’m talking about next time you watch this one.

Scrooged:

Did you even have to ask? It’s only the most quotable Christmas Carol of all time. And you can quote it all year round!! A friend can’t get something to stick? You say, “Did you try staples?” I mean seriously is there anyone out there who hasn’t used that line? And you get to see three Murray’s in one movie!! I’m going to watch it right now…..

Other than the above four movies, my other Christmas favs are Elf and A Christmas Story of course. And if A Nightmare Before Christmas counts than that makes my list too. I’m not a big fan of National Lampoon’s and I’m sure that’s blasphemy to a few of my friends, but I always felt like I was just too young to really think it was funny when everyone else did and I have never warmed up to it.

My mom can always get me to watch Going My Way, White Christmas and Holiday Inn, Bells of Saint Mary, though they all run together a bit for me and I’m not even sure they are all Christmas movies. But I will watch Bing in anything.

I am currently very happy to watch Rise of the Guardians, which sort of turns all of our holiday characters into the Avengers. I find that very very funny and the picture is beautiful. It’s not perfect but Alec Baldwin as Russian Santa with tattoos of Naughty and Nice on his forearms is brilliant the animation of the Sandman’s powers are in-friggin-credible. I also highly recommend Arthur Christmas. Modern day Santa who rides in a giant red spaceship with GPS and cell phones is very funny. The opening sequence with the elves swooping through windows and down chimneys in a swat team like formation alone was worth the price of admission to the theatres.

Movies I won’t watch: The damned Polar Express!! I hate the animation. I hate how they stretched the boring book out to an even more boring movie and I hate the way it makes me cry with all the sappy Josh Grobin music. Blah. I mentioned It’s a Wonderful Life. Don’t hate it, just don’t love it. Again, boring. Miracle on 34^th Street is a classic and I like both versions, but its not one I need to see every year. I also have a big problem with The Santa Claus. I will actually watch the second one and not the first and here’s why: The entire pretense on which the movie is based is just wrong!! Santa has to DIE in order for a new Santa to take his place?!?! What! A long time ago I read a bunch of books by a guy named Piers Anthony he wrote a book called On a Pale Horse. It’s about Death and his job. And the only way there can be a new Death is if one of the poor suckers whom Death is coming to claim, kills Death! Then that person becomes the new Death. That is seriously what The Santa Clause reminds me of. I mean no one is even sad that old Santa is dead? Really?

Ok that’s it for me. Merry Christmas folks! Watch a good movie for me.